Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
