She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
