Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
