Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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