the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
