Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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