Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize