You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
