happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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