just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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