could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
