You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
