Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(801): View more from Utah

see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks

(1-801): View more from Utah

wait.... you do what?

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(714): View more from California

I would go down on you faster than GM stock

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment

(410): View more from Maryland

Thank god I got my shit together

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(949): View more from California

Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?

(435): View more from Utah

Yeah.

(609): View more from New Jersey

I was spiderman.

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