nut hugger
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
