my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
should my penis look like a turkey
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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