not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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