i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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