I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
