i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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