can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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