why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
