NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
