you would pick up someone in the library
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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