My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
