my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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