watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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