OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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