sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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