"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize