she woke up with a sticky ear
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
