This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
