Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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