I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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