either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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