there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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