So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize