First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
