well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
