i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Congratulations! We have a period
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