i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
