Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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