I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
