There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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