I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
