Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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