Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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