Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
