I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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