Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
