i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
