bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
