dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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