Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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