idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
