i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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