I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize