I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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