neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
