It's Friday. Sex?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
