she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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