TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
