"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
